Ways to Ruin a First Date
Don’t you just hate the pretense that comes with a first date? You and your date are almost trying to out-do each other in order to impress each other. If you’ve had it with the great expectations and pretenses that come with first dates, you should try a different style. Instead of competing with your date, why not ruin it intentionally?
Here are some things you can do to ruin a first date. Be sure to choose your strategy carefully because some dates can be so quirky that they may find some of these suggestions adorable.
10. Let her sign your logbook and planner.
Because you interact with several people everyday, it’s a smart idea to prepare a logbook to record information about your meetings. Your planner can be used to plan your schedule for the upcoming months
Both items can serve as valuable evidence in case anything unpleasant happens to you. Forensic investigators always turn to your planner or logbook in case you go missing or turn up murdered in a back alley.
Make sure to include both the day and time you’re meeting your date. Then, while you’re all comfy in a restaurant or bowling alley, just have them sign both records with their full name and signature. This will unnerve your date.
9. Let your date do the talking and write down everything he / she says.
Wouldn’t it be fun to be a shrink, even for just a few hours? All you have to do is ask personal questions about whatever your date says. If she says she loves watching Spanish movies, ask her “how do you feel about them?” or “Is there an event in your childhood that triggered your penchant for Spanish films?”
Whenever they have something to say, just jot down everything on paper while nodding your head. If they stop in mid-sentence or question you about the notebook, just say “Go on. I’m listening.”
If you think your date is an open-minded fellow, just bring out some doodles or sketches and ask her what she sees in every figure. Make sure to take note of each of their answers.
You may lose a second date but you could gain your first patient in what hopefully becomes a long and illustrious ’shrinking’ career.
8. Use a recorder and let her see it.
You know how a first date feels. It can make your hands sweat so much that you could extract hand sanitizer liquid out of them. You almost think your date can hear your own heartbeat as she takes a bite of her pizza.
Now don’t you want a keepsake of this momentous experience? What better way to do this than by recording everything on tape?
Get a tape recorder and set it on the dining table. If your first date is in a movie house, just tape the recorder on the armrest between you and your date. Before pressing “record”, explain to your date that you’re doing this for documentation purposes. If they don’t ask any questions just proceed with the recording.
7. Wear a lime green tutu and give your date a free ballet class.
When was the last time you donned a lime green tutu? We’re betting never unless you’re a hardcore ballet dancer or are generally odd.
Now if you happen to have that green tutu in your closet, now is the time to bring it out for the entire world to see. Prop it up and wear it for that much awaited date with your new acquaintance. If they ask you what’s up with the clothes, simply shrug the question off or say “I don’t know either.” as if nothing is unusual.
6. Pretend you have a TV in your head.
It’s always nice to talk about movies, TV programs and all the hype fed by the media to us. It’s actually one of the most common things brought up on a first date. After all, you won’t be considered normal by society unless you have your own TV at home.
Now one fine treat you could give your date is an update of one of her favorite TV shows. This strategy is excellent if she’s a sports enthusiast. Tell her that you have a TV inside your head and you’ll do her the favor of giving her an exclusive audio of what’s happening right now in the basketball arena.
Speak like a commentator: “Bryant passes it to O’Neal. And the Lakers score again.” Continue to do so until the date is over.
5. Tell her your religion is Hannibalism.
Religion is always a touchy issue to discuss in any social interaction. That’s why social experts advise that you to avoid talking about it. Politics and salary rates should also be avoided.
Now if you want to get rid of your date and bust the idea of another meeting with him, bring up this subject in the conversation. Start by sharing that your religion is Hannibalism and that you adhere to the ideals set by Hannibal Lecter himself. You believe that your path to nirvana is to commit every single thing that The One has done in every single book and film that features him.
See if this still gets you a second date.
4. Consult your parents on the phone in front of your date.
It’s always sweet to give your parents a phone call. A first date with an annoying person is just the perfect time to do it. You can switch to speaker phone so your date can hear both your Mama and Papa lecturing you on how unhealthy it is to stay up late every night and how unsafe it is to go out with someone you’ve never met.
If you find it hard to choose between the lemon chicken and honey lamb, excuse yourself and make that quick phone call to Mom in front of your date. While you’re at it, ask her about whether or not you should buy another bottle of Vitamin C.
3. Switch through Disney’s different characters.
Why not take your date on a trip down memory lane and pretend to be different Disney characters? Make sure to tailor your statements to the situation at hand and to change your voice each time so it’s similar to the one you’re imitating. You can also sing some of the lines from the movie for a better cinematic experience!
If you want to flatter your date, imitate Ariel’s voice and sing, “Wish I could be part of your world.” If you want to impart a golden nugget of wisdom to them, then take it from Timon and say “ Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase.”
If you’re getting tired of remembering all those quotable lines and cheesy lyrics from Disney films, you could always take something from Gollum and say, “My precious…or silly Hobbits” every time your date looks at you. Now isn’t that just sweet?
2. Bring an imaginary friend with you.
Not too many people are able to share intimate things with another person during a first date. After all, the most intimate details are often the skeletons in the closet that you don’t want anyone to find out about.
If you want to be remembered by your date as that guy who stands out from the rest and bust a second date at the same time, introduce them to your imaginary friends. Do the introductions properly by saying something like, “Carol, this is Elaine. She’s been my buddy since I was four years old. We would often play hide and seek and tag. Guess what, I would always lose.”
1. Conduct a spiritual counseling session.
The world is filled with miserable and horrible souls. The first group is those who are hurting while the second one is those who find pleasure in others hurting. Now take this first date as a mission for you to determine which group your new acquaintance belongs to. Once you find out, it’s time to begin the spiritual healing session.
Bring out any spiritual item you have with you and pray over the soul of your date. Do this by stretching out your hand over their head. Utter some gibberish while doing this. To make your session more effective, ring up some of your friends and invite them to join you in the restaurant, bowling alley or wherever you are with your date. Encourage them to say a little prayer for this horrible-slash-miserable soul in front of you. Light a candle as a signal of the end of your session if ever you get to reach it.