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Why the online dating reviews are so negative

If you've read through the reviews on this website, you will have surely noticed that the majority of reviews are pretty negative about online dating. Is it really that bad?

No, it's not so bad. I personally know a couple who met through an online dating service, and they don't seem shy about telling people how they met. Go tell them that online dating services suck and are useless. I'm sure they'd disagree. In fact, with online dating becoming more mainstream, you meet more and more couples who say they met online.

So where does all the animosity come from in the reviews? First of all, the review writing process is biased in favor of people with an axe to grind. It's the person who's really angry who is most motivated to seek out an online dating review site and take the time to write a review. Those whose experiences are positive aren't as motivated to speak out.

What online dating services can do for you is expand the pool of people you can meet beyond your immediate circle of acquaintances and work/social activities. But what it's not likely to do is allow you to date people who wouldn't have been interested in you if you met through more traditional offline methods.

Men without any exceptional qualities get mad because women ten years younger than them don't respond to their emails. And women get mad because they can't find a man closer in age who is six feet or taller and earns six figures. (To understand the problem with that, you need to do a little math. If 25% of men are six feet or taller, and if 10% of men earn six figures, and there's no correlation between the two, then women with both of these requirements have limited themselves to only 2.5% of men. No wonder why they can't meet anyone!)

I believe that our dating expectations have been ruined by Hollywood. We go to the movies or turn on the television, and we see all these beautiful people. Then we expect the people we meet in real life to look that good. Unfortunately less than ten percent of the people we meet in real life look as good as the people in the media.

Expectations for first dates run too high as well. People expect all of their dates to be Hollywood moments like they see in the movies, but on real dates the dinner isn't always perfect, or sometimes the conversation isn't so good, or it feels awkward. This is life and you need to give people a second or third chance.

My advice for men: you need to send emails to women around two years younger than you who don't look like super models, and then you will probably be able to find some dates. And my advice for women: you need to be willing to give a chance to men who are a little shorter and a little poorer and a little less good looking than your ideal.

The majority of the negative reviews are written by men, and this unfortunately reflects the nature of the offline dating world. Dating is harder for men than women because there is a shortage of women. But wait, aren't there an equal number of men and women? Nope. For starters, there are 105 boy babies born for every 100 girl babies. Furthermore, the situation is far worse than that for men in their twenties. Because of poaching of younger women by successful older men, and a slightly greater percent of women than men desiring to take time off from dating, the webmaster estimates that the are probably 120 single men in their twenties for every 100 single women in their twenties. Because of this real world unbalanced ratio, we see that there are around 150 female profiles for every 100 male profiles on online dating services such as Match.com (which is where I tested the theory). This unbalanced ratio, however, is not Match.com's fault. It simply reflects the way things are.

Are the online dating services completely perfect? No, they are out to make money like all businesses, and sometimes they go too far in trying to make a few extra dollars. My biggest complaint about certain online dating services is that they don't tell you who's a member and who isn't. This is obviously very annoying for those services where only members can read emails, because you might wind up wasting a lot of time writing a well thought out email to someone who can't see it.

My next complaint, not quite as big, is that the online dating sites use too much compression on their JPEGs, leaving all of the photos full of JPEG artifacts. This is only compounded by the problem that people seem completely clueless when it comes to cropping and uploading their photos.

However, despite the above problems, online dating services can very useful ways to meet people. Give them a try if you haven't.

posted September 7, 2005

14 Comments:

By ranconteur:

I agree with the author. Let me address a few of the criticisms people have expressed about online dating sites in the reviews

Criticism No. 1: They are too expensive.

While this is certainly true of eHarmony, you can purchase a 3-month subscription to Match for a little over $50. Have one less Frappuccino a month, and there's your membership money. You will spend a lot more money if you are depressed because you are alone (believe me).

Criticism No. 2: There's too much competition on these sites if you are a guy.

So what? First, competition is a part of life, and its role in our lives will only increase with time. Second, there is no better catalyst for getting you to improve yourself, i.e., to get off your ass, than competition. If the competition on these sites forces you to join a gym, become a more fashionable dresser, or become more well-read, then you are nothing but better off for it.

Criticism No. 3: Members of online dating sites lie in their profiles.

Again, so what? Most men and women exaggerate in some manner when they converse with the opposite sex at a bar. It's part of the game. It always has been and it always will be. I suspect that even if a site like Match were able to cost-effectively review all of the facts in each profile (big if), it would quickly go out of business if it did so. Sometimes you need to tell a little lie to get around another person's unrealistic expectations. But if, like me, you are on one these sites looking for love and not just to score, you will always be thinking about how the other person will perceive you when they know the truth but at the same time also know more about you. In other words, you will be strategic and cautious with your lying. Maybe not everyone on these sites is looking for love like me, but on a huge site like Match you can be sure based upon probability alone that a large number of people are.

So anyway, online dating sites are certainly not perfect, but they definitely can be useful and fun. You just got to put in the time to perfect your profile (the text and pictures should be flawless) and to search for and write to a large number of women (cast a lot of lines) who are in your league.

posted at 9/09/2005 4:38 AM

By Ben:

I think that the biggest problem is that people start using these dating sites without really understanding how they work.

For example, if you don't understand that many of the profiles on some sites are for people who aren't really there (non-subscribers, people who stopped using their account, etc.), then you'd be pretty disappointed when you email people and they don't respond.

And that's just one of the many gotchas that exist. Others include skewed male-female ratios, the fact that women get innundated with email and so tend to not respond to all communication, fake profiles from scammers, fake profiles from people hired by the services, etc. To use a pithy aphorism, once you learn how the system works, only then can you work the system to get results.

I also think that people sometimes have unrealistic expectations about what "the Internet" or "computers" do to make online dating better than real-life dating. The answer is, "not much". There are a lot of lame people out in the world in general. For the sake of argument, I'll refer to these people as "losers". They include golddiggers, married cheaters, men who just want sex, women who want taller men, men who want younger women, etc. The losers just seem to stand out on online dating sites. The same losers exist in real life, the people you meet in bars, at church, etc. The one benefit to online dating is that it is somewhat easier to find (and filter out) the losers.

Regarding the "shortage of women" issue, this only exists among younger people. After a certain age, there's actually a shortage of men. I think that the skew on online dating services comes because in general there are more men online than women, not because there are more men in the world than women. And, of course there are some online sites (the "serious relationship" sites) where there are many more women than men.

On an unrelated note, I'm glad to see this blog ressurrected.

posted at 9/10/2005 9:47 PM

By Online Dating Insider:

"Regarding the 'shortage of women' issue, this only exists among younger people."

The shortage of women is real and certainly exists at least through the thirties. And most of the users of online dating services are in their twenties and thirties. As people get older, both the percentage who are single and still looking decreases, and the comfort factor with the internet decreases.

posted at 9/11/2005 9:53 PM

By RayBowers:

I have noticed a questionable practice at Match.com, perhaps you can confirm it.

Match.com does not seem to give subscribers all of the facts. Suppose you are a PAYING MEMBER and send an e-mail to someone with a FREE account. You might try to include your e-mail address in the BODY of the e-mail so they can respond to you OUTSIDE of Match.com without having to subscribe. Sounds easy enough, right? After all, you are a paying member... But then, Match.com ERASES YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS FROM THE BODY OF THE E-MAIL and delivers it to the free member... Now, they get your e-mail, but cannot reply since the address you included has been wiped. Meanwhile, you assume the person is not interested because they did not send you an e-mail at your regular address... So, you continue to send more e-mails, all to no avail.

Don't you think they should be required to either deliver your message as you typed it, or let you know that they are filtering? Otherwise, someone who is paying for an account will not realize they are just pissing their money and e-mails away...

I think back to the year I paid for membership there and I e-mailed women. I assumed since I included my e-mail address in my signature they could reply to me, even if not a paying member... But perhaps I was wrong and just wasting my time???

I bring this up since I let my membership lapse. I got 2 e-mails this week from woman who appear to have tried to send me their e-mail addresses, but they were deleted from the e-mail.

One message read,

"Thanks for the wink! It is very kind of you!
I really like your profile and pictures!
If you are interested you can reach me at
Hope to hear form you!
kisses,
Jeni"

I hope she doesn't think that by paying $$$$ she can initiate contact with everyone on the system, because I know I certainly cannot follow up with her even though she seems to want me to.... And I have seen this before but never really thought of it till I got 2 messages recently where I noticed the missing e-mail address.

Anyone else think this is wrong?

posted at 9/13/2005 8:06 PM

By exdude8:

I've notice the Webmaster is a little pigheaded about the M to F ratio in this country. I've provided this link so the Webmaster can get his facts strait.

http://www.census.gov/population/pop-profile/2000/slideshow/tsld007.htm

If you wanna argue about the subject, then argue with the enumeratos who conducted the 00' U.S. Census.

posted at 9/14/2005 9:44 PM

By Ben:

I think that the Author is just overly-clouded by his own perceptions and experiences. It's as if I tried to argue that there aren't many African-Americans living in New York City, based on what I see watching Friends, Seinfeld, and Sex and the City on television.

Thanks for the link that proves that there are more women than men in every age category except for under 20. Similarly, I also am pretty sure that there are more online dating customers older than the 30's than is popularly believed.

Regarding Match censoring email addresses in email to non-paying members, yes they do this. It's one of the gotchas that you just have to know about before you sign up with the service. Yes, it could be argued that it is unethical for Match not to tell prospective customers that they do this.

posted at 9/15/2005 7:34 AM

By Online Dating Insider:

You only need to do some searches at Match.com to verify that there are more men than women.

And it's a well established fact that there are 105 boy babies for every 100 girl babies.

posted at 9/19/2005 12:15 AM

By Ben:

When you say, "there are more men than women", are you referring to online services or the real world?

There are definitely more women than men in the real world, especially among older populations. That is what I was referring to. Yes, there are more male babies born than female babies. However, again, as the Census bureau reported, in the population of 20-year-olds and older, there are more females than males. I'm referring to the situation in the United States; it may be different in other countries.

In Match and most other online dating services, yes there are many more men than women. Perhaps that is what you were referring to-- it was not clear from your original post. However, this imbalance has nothing to do with the ratio of men to women in the real world.

Regarding the effects of "poaching" of younger women by older men, this would be offset by the number of older women available. That is, for every older man who poaches a younger woman, there is at least one older woman available for younger men to date.

posted at 9/20/2005 2:08 PM

By exdude8:

WEBMASTER, you should really check your facts. Also, you should do some research on the M-F Mortality Ratio.

First of all, the M-F birthrate is 1.06M to 1F or (106 to 100) in 1994, not 105 to 100 like you believe. Also, the birthrate was 1.07 to 100 in 1950. Which means the birthrate is declining.

The overall M-F ratio in the United States is 96.3 males to 100 females. This ratio varies by race. Example... The Hispanic population ratio is 106.1 males to 100 females.

The current online dating M-F ratio is 220 to 100.

Men tend to live riskier lifestyles and men are exposed to more harmful elements them women. This explains why the ratio goes to 98 males to 100 females after the age of 20.

Here are the links to find the information that supports my Blog. Take a look at the M-F *Mortality* Ratio.

http://thepost.baker.ohiou.edu/archives3/sep01/091001/brief7.html

http://www.mindfully.org/Health/Reduced-Ratio-Male-Births.htm

http://www.umich.edu/news/?Releases/2004/May04/r052504

http://human-nature.com/ep/downloads/ep026685.pdf#search='Male%20to%20Female%20mortality%20ratio'

posted at 9/20/2005 10:10 PM

By CzechRebel:

With all due respect, stop wasting your time on statistics! It is not about numbers, it is about quality. 200 ugly women are still ugly, it doesn't mean that there is plenty of supply for us.
Does anyone agree with me on this one?

posted at 10/01/2005 10:15 PM

By Armaedes:

You never come comment on my blog anymore, what gives? I'm starting to feel neglected.

If I wrote an online dating review it would probably be negative, I never had that much luck at it when I tried - I think my sense of humor doesn't communicate well online (hence the horde of hate-mail I get from my blog).

I did meet my current girlfriend online, but not through a dating site but through my blog. If we get married we are going to name our first child Blogspot. Sweet, huh?

posted at 10/10/2005 3:25 PM

By dashark73:

Why is this blog neglected? I think the webmaster created the Blog with the goal of making online dating look better, than what the reviews make it look. He may be trying to retain the banners of these online dating companies. If you've noticed, he came to a good conclusion with online dating in a short time.

Aside from his income he never explained the other odds he faced. He never said what the gender gap ratio is in his area. As you may know the gender gap varies from city to city and it also varies from age to age.

While this was a good approach by the webmaster he didn't seem too interested in telling people how he made it work for him in the first place. He seemed reluctant to tell the public about his dates and where this is all going for him. Reading between the lines it just seemed his whole goal was to talk up online dating.

I agree with what the webmaster is trying 2 do but I just don't like his approach.

I've used all the dating sites and I've met, dated, etc. I know some sites are better than others. The conclusion I've come up with is your level of experience and what you have going for you is what will determine your success on these sites. Many people run a foolish game when they use these sites. After a month or so they become burnt-out with internet dating. The thing 4 me is I stuck with it and learned the system.

About a year ago I posted a slew of fake profiles. I did this because I wanted to learn about the behavior of these other users. People hate the fact that others post fake profiles but this will give anyone a good idea on how to manipulate this system. I can tell you that there are a lot of people shopping out of their league.

Some people will say the most stupid things in their emails and they wonder why they don't ever get a reply. In all my pretty girl profiles, I had this one guy who looked like a frog contact them. Each of his emails were extremely long and he used this eratic salesman approach. In the single mother profiles a few guys would say, I don't care if you have kids, you're just too pretty to pass up. The women were just as bad when they contacted men. One girl tried a blackmail approach. Some girls would use a low self-esteem angle when they contacted these guys. Then there was the email a woman sent me telling me how much she likes @n@l sex and this was on match.com.

On to more of my conclusion, I've found that many of these people just make a poor presentation of themselves online. I don't know how many of these profiles have blurry or sloppy photos. Then there are profiles with poor text. There are a few of these people who just write like 2nd graders or they only write a 5 sentence profile.

When the users who have a axe to grind post a review they'll lie (or leave out) about the mistakes they made with their profile.

The bottom line is I would take each review ( good or bad ) with a grain of salt. The fact is you're in control of your success. If you can't think of the success you desire you'll never taste it. If you think it up, then you'll find a way to attain what you're looking for. Of coarse, you'll have to put in much effort, nothing come 4 free. Only the foolish believe that what they want is going to fall into their lap.
I've found that you will have to contact anyone worth contacting.

What I would do if I ran this site is offer an advice message board. It seem the experienced users have more intelligent comments about online dating than the advice colums affiliated with these dating sites.

posted at 11/05/2005 5:55 PM

By corragro:

It seems that most of the criticisms of online dating are reflective of that random happening we commonly know as "life." In life as well as the cyberworld, men outnumber women at nearly every social event. Any trip to a singles bar or an organized social will serve as testamant that guys have the odds stacked against them.

Hence the reason men need to use their looks, charm and sense of humor to capture the affections of the opposite sex. If he didn't have to work to get the girl, it would be awfully damn boring. And since the cyberworld is every bit like life, winning a mate involves using your assets in varied and meaningful ways. It begins with the introduction, the ability to write an attractive message. Women are generally more verbal than men, after all, so the men who can best express themselves will almost always have the advantage.

In any event, the time has come that most of us get over the obscure expectation that life or online dating comes with some form of guarantee. It doesn't. An Online dating service only presents one more place where men and women have the opportunity to meet each other. It is up to you to work it out from there.

posted at 11/28/2005 6:37 PM

By Orpheus:

I'm impressed with all the well written responses here. But all that intelligence goes to waste. I'm sure the more close minded among you will accuse me of not being successful, and while I'm doing OK, I could be doing better, and I will improve. The point is, I AM getting some good results. Online dating, like anything else, takes practice. You refine your responses to get the maximum value, and you test, test test. Many men give up so easily and decide after emailing 20 women in the first and then of course last round, that getting only two responses (with one being a spammer) that online dating just isn't for them.

But I piped in here because of the age issue mentioned in the original article. You can contact any girl of any age if you find her attractive. When it's clear that it's a non issue for you (which means you don't even mention it, or you TEASE her about it), it's a non issue for her. Yes, even if she specifies noone over 25 and your 31. And she's 18. I've had several successful results with those figures, and I'm 31.

Don't assume you have to be whatever SHE wants, and whatever society wants. This is about YOU first, and her second. Truth is, as much as it might be hard to swallow for many of you, that's what makes a man attractive in a woman's eyes. And I ALWAYS treat my women right. But I'm in control, and they know it.

Before you make judgements, I also date women in their upper 20s and lower 30s.

peace.

posted at 3/04/2006 12:58 PM