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Dr. Alasko offers online dating advice

Paul Alasko, a licensed therapist, offers online dating advice in his advice column in the Monterey County Herald.

He starts by saying that "[i]nternet dating is definitely not for marginal people who can't find a date from their circle of friends," but he doesn't elaborate any further on this idea.

Then he explains why the "bees to flowers" theory.

One objection I hear about using online dating is a deeply held cultural bias called "bees to flowers." This bias says that if your flower was bright or fragrant enough, you'd attract more bees. We all struggle with the fantasy that just walking into a room ought to be enough to prompt a flurry of invitations. This idea is both silly and unrealistic.

Thus he assures you that using an online dating service is not a "mark of a loser."

He says you should only agree to meet someone the first time for a half hour. Dinner is too long of a commitment, because there's such a good chance the person won't be what you were expecting.

He says you shouldn't meet at a bar. It's not clear why that's a bad idea.

He says you need to practice the "art of disengagement," that is getting out of the date after a half hour when the other person is trying to extend it.

He says that you should limit your online dating search to matches no further than 40 miles away, because its too impractical to date someone who lives further away than that. One should remember that Monterey County is a non-urban area along the California coast. If you agree with his advice, and you live in a more traffic congested area, it would make sense to cut that distance limit even further.

posted June 27, 2004