Guys, listen to me, as I am only going to say this once:

The girls on Lavalife are on there for a REASON... Mainly because 99% of them are whackjobs that can't think properly, or even hold a conversation. I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but it's true. And no, the same can NOT be said about men. Why? Because, in all honesty, most of the men are on lava because meeting a girl in person at a party/bar/club/whatever is more gut wrenching than Fear Factor, and girls know this.

Think of it, how often does a girl get NERVOUS when talking to a guy at a party? Very seldom, because girls generally know that they have say in where the relationship will go from there, and that guys aren't as shallow as girls, and thus will not shoot you down because of the car you drive/job you have/clothes you wear/etc..

Guys will adore you if you have an ounce of personality, unfortunatley most girls lack this, and thus rely on their big boobs and tight ass to lure the Sugar Daddy.

Also, girls, you don't hold all the cards when it comes to lava chatting. Saying "lol" and "yeah" and "cool" after every single paragraph the guy types gets noticed, trust me. Guys will usually be nice and not bother telling you that he could type better with his toes than you can with your hands, but trust me, he's losing interest in you by the minute.

Anyways, I have met 6 girls from lava in the past month and a half. Only ONE was able to keep up a good conversation and not just shake her titties in my face for 3 hours thinking that would do it for me. Unfortunately, she was about 200 lbs (her profile said she was "average", mind you), so I guess she just made up for that by being a liar. Anyways, I cut communication from her the next day... Fat liar. Why lie about things like this? Did she think I wouldn't NOTICE?

So, as I was saying, I've met 6. Now, the other 5 were fuck ups, plain and simple. Now, I by no means think I'm perfect, far from it, but I do have some general sense on what to say and what NOT to say on a first date... Why do girls think it's cute to practically PUKE on this rule?

General Rules: GIRLS READ! ---------------------------

No, I don't want to hear how many guys you've had sex with. Especially those you've slept with just days before meeting me.

No, I don't want to hear about the car(s) your last boyfriend drove, and how his car(s) put mine to shame.

No, I don't think it's funny that you burp and fart infront of me 2 hours into our date.. Oh yes, I really want to take you home to meet my parents... Pig.

No, I don't want to see your dumb ass get up and dance in my livingroom because a clubbing song you like is on the radio... Face it, club dancing looks retarded when it's being done next to a friggin' coffee table in a room with no fancy lighting... Seriously, you just look like an idiot starving for attention.

Yes, I do care that you have a kid. Thanks for bringing that up 3 hours into our date, and not telling me over lavalife, THANKS!

Yes, please take off those hooker boots you decided to wear to the Mandarin (chinese restaurant). You look like you're about to shovel some hay into a cows mouth.

No, Don't bring you friend on our date... I paid my money and used my credits on lava to talk to you, and to see you, NOT to entertain your dumbass friend. And as much as I love sitting in the background and watching you make 200+ inside jokes with your friend about people I couldn't possibly know, I think I'll pass.

---------------------------

Are these rules THAT hard to follow? Would you believe me if I told you that these are taken DIRECTLY from the 6 girls I've met from lava? If you ARE surprised, let me tell you something, I am not.

I don't blame lava, really, I think this behavior is quite common on all online dating services.

Like I said at the beginning of this review, girls on Lavalife are on there for a REASON. Reason being? They are severely LACKING somewhere in the mental prowess.

one thing I've learned, is when a girl from lava tell you that you're the 11th guy she's met from lava, you really, REALLY have to heed the warning.

* WARNING: GIRL IS A PSYCHOPATCH *

Anyways, guys, be weary of the girls on lava, they tend to NOT be the person they claim to be on lava, but will try their damnedest to convince you that they can squeeze their thights into that pair of size 6 jeans.

Please, ladies, use your damn brains. Guys notice when you lie, we just tend to be nice about, and then we just stop returning your phone calls.

Oh, and those fake/planted lavalife profiles are a bitch, too.

- Mike